A Glimpse Inside

an experiment in expression, slight vanity and extreme boredom...
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:: What's New in the World ::

"I hate you."
-Event Staff

In The Off Hours
Books :: None currently...
TV :: Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, The 4400, Entourage
Anime :: Naruto, Bleach, Gundam SEED Destiny, Sousei no Aquarion
Music :: DHT - Listen to Your Heart

happiness is...
• Annoying Event Staff
• No More Work
• Night Pictures
• Winning at Poker
unhappiness is...
• No income
• Expensive gear
• Integrating flash and DBs
• Driving long distances

:: Thursday, December 25, 2003 ::
AGlimpseInside Wishes...
I just wanted to take a moment and wish everyone out there a Merry Christmas. Even though Christmas is technically a religious holiday, and I am far from being in anyway religious, I think it has become more than that in our society. And I'm not talking about the obviously commercialize, spend as much as you can, crowd the malls with a human flood of people, and shop for weeks on end aspect of it. For me at least, it is a holiday that is centered around spending time with one's family and loved ones, and showing and/or telling people how much you care about them and how much they mean to your lives. One of the ways this is made manifest is through the practice of gift giving. But it is the act of giving itself, not the process of buying things to feed our consumer society, that is important. Sometimes the gift will be nothing more than a card, but one on which is expressed our earnest thankfulness in their friendship or love. So if you have people who are dear to you, take today to tell them and show them for sad as it may be, we are not blessed with an infinite amount on this time on this earth. So seize each moment that is given to us and make the most of it. Happy Holidays to everyone!

:: posted by Z [10:29 AM] ::

:: Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ::
A Glimpse of Freedom...
Well today was the last work day of the year, at least for me. I managed to get my shit working just in the nick of time and was out the door (without it hitting me on my way out) by 1. I was suppose to have lunch with Lan but she cancelled on me cause she had more important things to do. Haha, actually she had to spend time with her family, so I understand. We've been seeing a lot of each other recently anyways.

I got home and read a few chapters from Dune before heading off for my eye appointment. It's been what now, three weeks since my LASIK surgery and I'm happy to report that everything is as it should be, recovering slowly but surely. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to get pass all the traffic that stands, almost at a standstill I assure you, between me and the Mayan. I thought I might carpool with Chester but it turns out he plans on going home for the holidays. So once again I shall be flying solo, which is OK by me. I think I've grown acclimated to taking the long road to LA alone with naught but myself and the ten CDs in my changer. Luckily I have a few new ones for just the occassion. If you're partying tonight, party responsibly and if you're going to the Mayan, I'll see you there!

:: posted by Z [5:14 PM] ::

:: Monday, December 22, 2003 ::
A Manic Monday Weekend Report…
Just a two day work week, but so much to do in so little time, as is always the case come Christmas time, at least for me. Well I was up in LA again this weekend. When I go up for Mayan tomorrow, that will be 3 times in two weeks. I haven’t done that in quite some time. But I did manage not to go clubbing this weekend. Had dinner with friends and saw a movie twice, which was cool even though at the dinner on Friday night, Julie and Lan robbed me of all dignity, oh well. I guess that was long overdue considering how much crap I give them. We were suppose to watch Mona Lisa Smile on Friday but the guys in the group overruled that decision and we ended up watching Bad Santa instead. It was a hilarious movie in a profane kind of way with a surprising tender side to it. It sounds contradictory, but when you watch it, you’ll understand.

On Saturday, after dropping off Julie at the airport, Lan and I met up with Ted and Winston to watch the much anticipated Lord of the Rings III: Return of the King, and it was worth the two year wait. Though the movie was long, rounding out at about 3½ hours, it was very well done and a great end to a story years in the making. I’m actually kind of sad now that it’s over. Oh well, you know what they say about all great things. Later on that night, I was suppose to try to meet up with Carrie and Sherry but The Curse reared its ugly head and it was not to be, or maybe we just lagged too much. So instead, Ted, Winston and I ended up at a smoky pool hall playing 8 ball. I started off shaky but ended the night strong thankfully.

On Sunday, I went to eat dim sum with Ted and his mom before heading back down to SD. On the way down, I stopped by Carlsbad and hit up the outlets. As expected, it was a mad house. It took me 20 minutes just to find parking and that was only because I was lucky and stalked a shopper to her car. I had gone with the intention of only buying a dress shirt and tie for Stacy’s birthday at Magic Castle and maybe a sweater but ended up buying significantly more than that. Sigh. I really need to rein in my spending this month. My Citibank bill is going to be of staggering proportions. Oh well.

:: posted by Z [12:40 PM] ::

:: Sunday, December 21, 2003 ::
A Curse on All Holiday Bakers...
I went to Stater Brothers after the gym to buy ingredients to make Casey's pumpkin cheesecake, and they were all out of graham cracker crumbs. So no problem I tell myself, I bought the remainder of the ingredients and headed to VONS, only to find out they too were out of graham cracker crumbs. It seems, that in the yule time spirit, everyone and their mom is baking cakes that require graham cracker crumbs. Why can't they use something else like sugar cookies, or cookie wafers, or maybe oreo. I guess by the same token I could too, but none of those would taste quite right with pumpkin. Anyway, now I have all this cream cheese and no crumbs to make a crust with. Curses! I guess I'll have to try to find some at another supermarket in Mira Mesa tomorrow, but I wanted to make it tonight because as Christmas approaches, my free time will be come increasily scarce. Oh well, those are the breaks sometimes I guess.

:: posted by Z [10:30 PM] ::

:: Friday, December 19, 2003 ::
Poetic Burp...
It's been what, 10 days without a sad poem? Oh well...

- A Lifetime Ago - [12.18.03]
you were a love of a lifetime
but then was a lifetime ago
sometimes the things that hurt us most
we're reluctant to let go
the pain becomes a constant companion
and fills the void of love now vacant
caught in this gravity well of grief
with no discernable path to escape it
I try to write the hurt away
and grope for words to define my pain
but all I long for is sweet oblivion
a sanctuary where I have no name
and no past where cruel memories
can come and seek me out
and in gray nothingness I'll reside
free from all regret and from doubt
how did things get this bad
when exactly did I lose control
I guess it doesn't really matter now
because we were a lifetime ago

:: posted by Z [1:13 PM] ::

:: Thursday, December 18, 2003 ::
AGlimpseInside Birthday Shoutout...
I just wanted to give a real quick shoutout to my homegirl and fellow baking buddy in crime Casey Tran who just today turned 24. She celebrated the day by going boarding but the real celebration is the joint New Years Eve Extravaganza being thrown in SD this December 31st. So everyone remember to come out and help celebrate her getting old(er) and kick off the new year with us k? Ok, time for bed.

:: posted by Z [11:34 PM] ::

The Familial Bonds That Bind Us…
I got a call from my dad today while at work. For those who don’t know I have a fairly estranged relationship with my dad. It’s not that I have anything against him really, at least not anymore. It’s just that growing up, he was always just around; my mom was the parent who really raised us kids. So it’s no surprise that we’re all a lot closer to her than to him. Since they got divorced, I hardly see him anymore even though he and his new family live relatively close by. I mean we hardly conversed while we lived together, and I guess I have even less to say to him these days.

He, of course, was calling to borrow money. My mom has told me repeatedly not to give him money, because his chronic gambling was one of the main reasons they got divorced in the first place. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s the holidays or just the fact that he’s my dad, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘no’. He assured me he would pay me back, but I knew his words were all for show. I’m not sure if it was the wise thing to do, but sometimes I guess you don’t listen to what your head says. When he came to pick up the check at work, we shared a weird moment in the lobby. We stood there, awkwardly embraced in a hug neither of us we’re obviously comfortable with. But I think this event neatly characterizes the relationship we share; obligatory, inescapable but only briefly familiar.

:: posted by Z [1:39 PM] ::

:: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 ::
Isn’t It Ironic…
So I forgot to pack a spoon last night and was stuck here at my desk this morning with my container of yogurt and otherwise spoon-less. Is spoon-less even a word? Anyway, stuck in this predicament, I thought of that song “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette where she says “It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.” But if you think about it, that isn’t ironic at all. I think when Alanis wrote this song she 1) didn’t know what ironic meant (which is pretty sad considering she’s a song writer) or 2) didn’t care (which was probably the case).

For those who don’t know, the definition of ironic is:
i•ron•ic, adj.
1. Characterized by or constituting irony.
2. Given to the use of irony.
3. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended: madness, an ironic fate for such a clear thinker.

And the definition of irony is:
i•ro•ny, noun
1. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
2. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.

I personally think she just used the word “ironic” because it sounded cool. As a fellow writer, I know I’ve reworded certain things just because I wanted to use a particular word in a phrase or line. The conversation during song creation probably went something like this…

Alanis: “Hey I got a new idea for a song. Listen to this.”

[Alanis lists all the events from her song]

Alanis: “Isn’t it ironic?”

Alanis’s Friend: “No, not really.”

[Alanis pauses briefly]

Alanis: “If black people can redefine words, surely Canadians can too.”

So in summary, I think Alanis’s song should have been called “Unfortunate” because that’s basically what all the events she talks about are. Though "Isn't it unfortunate?" doesn't sound nearly as good as "Isn't it ironic?" Those people just had a case of shitty luck, and in the case of the guy who dies in the plane crash, well when God pushes the “smite” button there’s not much you can do.

:: posted by Z [9:48 AM] ::

:: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 ::
A Middle Road Somewhere...
I want to party but at the same time I want to be able converse with people; is there simply no way to do both? It seems the only options available to me always involve clubbing, which has its definite moments, don't get me wrong, but you don't really get to know anyone better just by clubbing with them all the time. Am I the only one who thinks this way? I guess it might because I'm fairly isolated from a lot of the people I party with. Work takes up the majority of my time during the week, leaving only the weekend where people want to go out, drink and dance, more than make conversation or just hang out. If someone can suggest a happy medium, I'd be most appreciative. Oh well, this is just my pointless rant, now if you'll excuse me, I'll stop here.

:: posted by Z [7:57 PM] ::

:: Monday, December 15, 2003 ::
Monday Morning Conversations...
Two posts and it's not even noon! Here's two snippets of some conversations I had this morning.

isamu619: im taking all these tests on quizilla cuz of boredom
MatTrix700: like what kinda girlfriend are you?
MatTrix700: it appears as though i'm the perfect girlfriend
isamu619: you should so post that
isamu619: i did not take that test
isamu619: reason being i am not a GIRL
isamu619: but i guess you found it entirely acceptable to do so heh
MatTrix700: i think the perfect girlfriend is someone who likes doing guy shit
isamu619: so go out there and find mr right cuz someone is definitely lookin for you
MatTrix700: i like doing guy shit
isamu619: well mat, you are a guy, i would hope so
MatTrix700: fuck that i'm not wasting this good shit on someone else
MatTrix700: i'll be my own girlfriend
MatTrix700: hahahahaha
isamu619: i should so quote you
MatTrix700: hahahaha
isamu619: in fact i think i will
MatTrix700: hahahahah


KusanagiZ: damn cell phone games
isamu619: hahahaah
isamu619: i never play cell fone games
isamu619: i just txt msg people
isamu619: im what you call a txt-a-holic
KusanagiZ: hah nice. yeah it's pretty nice. u can just send a message as opposed to having to sit there without the obligation of having to talk for a few minutes.
KusanagiZ: u have free txt msging i'm presuming
isamu619: well 300
isamu619: use to be unlimited
KusanagiZ: 300? that's a lot.
KusanagiZ: how many do u actually go thriu
isamu619: probably more than 300
KusanagiZ: holy shit .. that a lotta txt messaging.
isamu619: well receiving counts as a msg too
isamu619: so if i send 5 a day and recieve 5 a day
isamu619: thats 300
KusanagiZ: ahh k. either which way mystatement stands. "that a lotta txt messaging".
isamu619: i send a lot more than that though
KusanagiZ: insane man.
isamu619: *thinks*
isamu619: its all relative
isamu619: i remember in college, omg, i was so much worse
isamu619: i'd talk like i dunno 2000+ minutes, maybe 500-1000 txt msgs a month
KusanagiZ: damn. insane. only time i've ever done 2000 minutes was earlier this year when i was dating a girl. i dunno man. i guess this just a testiment to who you are. a person who likes talking a lot.
isamu619: yes, i find every available medium and flood it

:: posted by Z [11:37 AM] ::

Weekend Report...
Another weekend, another weekend in LA. I guess I’m embracing my re-found desires to socialize and be moderately inebriated with my friends wholeheartedly. So after a few early morning errands, I drove up to LA Saturday morning and met up with Ted. I was delivering that computer, now in complete working condition, I posted about previously. Lan met up with us for lunch, but had to jet afterwards; something about finals this week. Then Ted and I spent the rest of the day trying to finish off our Chrismas shopping, but I only manage to buy two things, one of which was for me. I know I’m bad but Express was having a sale. *sigh*

Anyway, Saturday night was a house party in Westwood being thrown by one of Ted’s friends, but as we were receiving the preliminary intelligence reports from Winston, the more it looked like it we needed to find a viable alternative. We chilled at the party for a little bit until Lan, Julie and Mat got there; even though all three have finals. Then after Lan and Julie had devoured half of the snack table, we headed out with no clear destination in mind. Somehow we ended up at this bar in Westwood called Maloney’s where the crowd was distinctly different than what most of us were use to. The music selection was diverse to say the least, the night ending on the theme from Cheers followed by a Frank Sinatra song. If anything, at least the drinks were dirt cheap. Afterwards, Lan, Julie and Mat headed home and Ted and I hit up J.R.’s which was surprisingly dead for a Saturday night. I wonder where all the Asian clubbers went instead, maybe Garden.

On Sunday, I met up for Lan and Julie for lunch then watched The Last Samurai. And despite the many warnings, and Julie’s constant reassurance that it was ok if I did, I didn’t cry during the movie. I do have to admit I got just a tad misty-eyed toward the end, unlike Julie who is just “emotionless.” But it’s a good flick, everyone go out and watch it. Afterwards, Julie dropped me off and I drove a few minutes to have dinner with my sis and her fiancé at the Brea mall where I ran into Brent, of all people, working in the sushi restaurant next door. How random is that? The last time I saw this guy was in Thailand where he was doing things with a vodka bottle I won’t repeat here because it might not be appropriate for some readers. Haha. Well that was my jam-packed action weekend. Now it’s Monday and real work starts once again.

Oh yeah, good luck to all the Western U students who have finals this week.

:: posted by Z [9:51 AM] ::

:: Sunday, December 14, 2003 ::
The Things I Do...
Sometimes I do something stupid like tell the same story twice or call someone by the wrong name and get called on it, how embarassing. Other times, I do something dumb like leave my $200 sunglasses on top of the car in the garage, forget about it, drive up to LA for the weekend, and come back to find that miraculously noone moved the other car which is typically moved on a nightly basis. Oh well, life's quirkly like that. I just gotta let out a sigh of relief though. That would have been the second time I've lost those frames; the first time being on some unknown beach in Thailand where I only remember the end of the night, walking barefoot around town trying desperately to find that little white jeep we rented and my five wayward companions, but that's a story for another time.

:: posted by Z [10:43 PM] ::

:: Saturday, December 13, 2003 ::
A Picture vs. A Thousand Words...
On one of the forums I'm on, the question was posed, which is more powerful a picture or a thousand words. The overwhelming majority choose a picture. Never one who's afraid to go against the grain, I vocally argued for a thousand words. It's an interesting debate and I just thought I'd share with everyone what I wrote...

I think I will stand with the minority on this one and say that words are more powerful. It’s not that I don’t understand the argument of pro-picture proponents. But a picture ultimately is only a single moment captured in time. Without the context of which that picture was taken, I think it loses much of its power, and to do that, you need words.

Pictures can convey a scene, make us feel an emotion, but what they lack is the property to facilitate communication. Communication is one of the most important characteristics of our race, without which we’d probably still be crawling around in caves, and the medium with which we do that is through words, regardless of language. Even the way a picture affects us profoundly, we translate into words before we can understand how we feel about it. We grope daily for the words to define our lives. We even think in words.

Which is more powerful: an image of coal miners drudging home after a hard days work, caked in black dust, their shoulders visibly slumped by the weight of their tools across their backs, their eyes all downcast at the thought of another day like the one they have just left behind tomorrow, or a first hand autobiographical account of a day in the mines that describe the exact labors they had to endure, the emotions they felt, and the reasons they feel they must bare such trials? I believe it’s the latter. Otherwise we can only guess how it must have felt, what they must have gone through. We would never truly know and could never hope to even understand.

:: posted by Z [9:32 PM] ::

:: Friday, December 12, 2003 ::
Thirteen Year Streak Broken...
Well the Dallas Mavericks managed to win at Staples Center against the Lakers for the first time in 13 years and snapped a 10 game LA winning streak. I'm mad and disappointed with the game. Mad because Payton got ejected off a bogus double T and disappointed because without him the Laker offense fell apart. Kobe had a terrible night. Shaq was in constant foul trouble and was terrible as usual from the line. *sigh* Oh well, if you don't follow professional sports, you probably can't relate. I guess they can't win them all but somehow that cliche is of little consolation. With that I'll end this pointless tirade here.

:: posted by Z [11:26 PM] ::

:: Thursday, December 11, 2003 ::
The Trouble with Blogs...
I've done a lot of writing and thinking openly on this site, but I know that there exists a real distinction between this web journal and a real journal, mainly stemming from the fact that almost everyone I know reads these posts. There simply isn't that kind of restriction when your thoughts remain confidential.

Since the beginning I've found the need to censor the things I say. This isn't a medium I can use to vent some of my frustrations, especially if they involve other people. I know there are some blogs out there that give warnings to their readers or just don't care, but I can't bring myself to purposely hurt people's feelings in that manner or share my own true feelings for that matter. So I guess I'm left with two options really, learn to not care and write whatever I want with complete abandon or start another web journal site under some anonymous pseudonym. Honestly I'm not cruel or brave enough for the former and too lazy for the latter. Oh well.

By the way, this doesn't mean I am feeling the need to vent about anyone at the moment; this was just something I was thinking about. If people could only really know what I was thinking... You may think you know, but you have no idea... haha just kidding. Most of the time there is absolutely no cognitive processes going on upstairs, an empty house with the lights on.

:: posted by Z [11:21 PM] ::

:: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 ::
Ted's Technical Troubles...
I spent yesterday evening fixing Ted’s new computer, who believe it or not has worse luck in computers than Mat does, and that’s saying quite a bit. Ted’s built a couple of computers and never has gotten any of them to work right by himself. I’m not sure what he does to sabotage himself but whatever it is, he’s gotten it down to an art form. Bad case, bad motherboard, fried processor, cracked monitor; you name it and chances are he’s probably experienced it.

We tried to install Windows on it on Sunday, but it was having so many problems with hard drive detection and slow boot up, we decided I should just take it back to SD and see if I could fix it on my own. So last night, I took it apart, put it back together, reinstalled the OS, and lo and behold everything ran perfectly. I didn’t do anything special; didn’t flash the BIOS, update the drivers, or change a single jumper. The only variable missing from the equation from Sunday was of course Ted himself. So therefore I conclude that Ted must have a field around him emanating approximately ten feet in every direction that nullifies a computer’s ability to operate properly. It’s almost a scientific certainty at this point. That’s unfortunate for Ted because I know how much he enjoys spending time on the computer. I wonder why they hate him so much. Oh well, it's probably one of those great mysteries we’ll probably never know.

:: posted by Z [11:32 AM] ::

:: Tuesday, December 09, 2003 ::
More Melancholy Words…
So the stream of incessant words, from only God knows where, continues to flow with no foreseeable end in sight. No surprise, it’s another sad one dipped heavily in feelings of melancholy and loss. Julie says I write like I’m a heart-broken man only I’m not. But how does she know I’m not? I’m really not, but would anyone be able to discern if I was? We all project this self-image we want the world to view and our true feelings lay well behind that thick façade, tucked neatly in a place few but our close friends know of and even fewer have access to. I know if I were depressed, I would continue on as always, showing everyone around me a brave face as I bore the brunt of the pain alone, in some probably misguided notion of independence and strength. Why is it people feel it’s such a negative thing to depend on people? Is that weakness? I don’t really think so and yet I often am reluctant to involve other people, even good friends, in my problems. Just something to ponder on.

Anyway, this latest one is not about me in any way, shape or form. My life is typically drama free. Perhaps I’ve insulated myself so well that now I can only hurt vicariously through other people’s pain. Or maybe I write because I'm too afraid to truly live. I’m not sure which prospect I find more disturbing. Oh well, this is probably too much thinking for a Tuesday morning.

- After the Dream - [12.8.03]
I dreamt a dream and now that dream has died
it evaporated and vanished right before my eyes
in my youthful naivety I had held to hope
but this situation has grown beyond my ability to cope
with a reluctant heart I loose the love I had
no longer will it possess the power to make me sad
I take shaky steps and relearn what it means to be free
unburdened by the weight of someone who could not see
what we might have been together and not apart
but that life has ended and this one about to start

:: posted by Z [10:41 AM] ::

:: Monday, December 08, 2003 ::
The Comeback Tour…
I tried my best but we all knew it wouldn't last
sometimes you can't run fast enough to escape your past
or yourself, as a simple matter of course
a compass spun around will always end up pointing north
and so I found myself once again driving to LA
my three months of abstention simply wiped away
forgotten in a single moment with an urge to socialize
but also to drink, to dance, and to feast the eyes

So my self-imposed hiatus was finally lifted, a full two weeks ahead of schedule but since I placed the restriction on myself in the first place, I see no reason not to end it any time I see fit and I definitely see fit now. In fact I see a lot of things now. I had never been to Ivar. I hadn’t been to LA in about 3 months. Mat was turning a quarter of a century. Ted had just finished his LSATs. Oh yeah, I had just gotten LASIK. The reasons continued to mount until I had to pose a different question to myself, why shouldn’t I go? The answers were weak if not entirely non-existent, besides perhaps a slight apprehension stemming from the fact I had just undergone laser eye surgery twenty-four hours beforehand, but I can’t go through life nitpicking every little detail right? My thoughts exactly; so I packed a bag full of clothes and started my journey to LA.

I hooked up with Ted and Josh Liang, of all people, in Arcadia and headed to the club. We weren’t able to meet up with everyone for dinner because traffic caused my normal drive of an hour forty or so to become two and half hours. But besides that and a little rain, the night was worth the long trip. I finally got to drink with Ted, though we both were able to maintain control, and were quite sober by the end of the night. I’m quite proud of that little accomplishment. It was somebody’s birthday and I remember everything. Haha. That wasn’t the only curse to be broken that night. I finally had my reunion with Carrie after one year, one month and six days. I think its cause neither of us knew the other was coming that things worked out. I guess we’ll just have to leave it up to random luck in order to end up at the same event. Sherry smiled, laughed, and danced. It’s good to know that unlike the posts on her site, she isn’t sad all the time. Josh got thoroughly wasted and started spouting off hilarious randomness on the way to Garden, but ended up passing out cold before we actually got there. Mat’s DO friend Anna was going paparazzi with her digital camera like I use to back in the day. Julie didn’t wear a turtle neck, much to my surprise. Janice actually got drunk, though the catfight we were all sure was imminent didn’t materialize. And I got Mat a journal to commemorate twenty-five years of tromping around above ground. So that was it. That was my comeback night in a nutshell. Ok, now go do something more productive.

:: posted by Z [10:56 AM] ::

:: Saturday, December 06, 2003 ::
My LASIK Experience…
It’s a strange thing really, in order to gain good vision you must go blind. I’ve had my eyes shut since about 7pm yesterday and only just recently pried them open. At first the world is a blur, even more so than when I use to wake up without my contacts on. Everything is distorted but slowly the images begin to come into focus like looking at the sun from the bottom of a pool and then swimming to the surface. But I CAN see. When said so simply it underplays the significance of the statement. I look around and I can read the spines on the books on my shelf on the other side of my room. So this is how the other half lives. I must say I like it. But I’m starting in the middle of this story aren’t I? Let me backtrack and start where I should have started a paragraph ago, at the beginning.

I left work around 2:30 and went to The Laser Center in La Jolla. What followed was approximately 3 ½ hours of waiting, doing absolutely nothing. Once my turn came in the “queue,” they really called it that, the procedure went fairly quickly. They sat me down in the room with the laser equipment and put numbing drops in both my eyes. Then they made me lay down on this bed and pried my eyelids open with a small metal clamp very similar to the one they used on Tom Cruise in Minority Report but without all the Hollywood glitz. Laying there, staring up at that bright white ceiling, and seeing six hovering masked figures standing around me, it reminded me eerily of something out of a bad sci-fi alien abduction flick.

The first thing they have to do is use the laser to cut the flap in your cornea. That involves placing a small suction device onto the surface of your eye to hold it in place as the laser cuts. As the suction turned on, my world went black. I’m not sure why physiologically this happens, probably something with pressure and blood vessels that is beyond me. So at that time my eyes were open but I couldn’t see anything. It’s an unsettling feeling and if anyone is a claustrophobe, I wouldn’t recommend this procedure to them. I’m not sure what happens next because like I just said, I was blind. But I felt a strong pressure against my eye, similar to taking your thumb and pressing hard against your eye. This lasts for about a minute after which they announce the flap was successfully made. After both flaps are done, I had to wait ten minutes for the air bubbles underneath the flap to dissipate or some such stuff I’m still not quite clear on.

The procedure where the laser actually burns off the sections of your cornea was probably the easiest part of the whole process. For me it took about 70 seconds an eye and one of the techs was nice enough to give me a little countdown as I stared up into a bright orange laser, something I was always told not to do. Afterwards, they taped these goggles on over my eyes and sent me home. You’re suppose to keep your eyes closed until the post-op appointment the morning after so I spent the majority of my early evening calling people on my speed dial, the only activity left available to my incapacitated self. Thanks, by the way, to everyone who kept me company in the darkness.

Which brings me back to now; the whole sight thing, it’s definitely not overrated and absolutely worth the several thousand I just charged to my credit card. Oh well, at least I get 1% cash back.

:: posted by Z [10:12 AM] ::

:: Friday, December 05, 2003 ::
AGlimpseInside Wonders...
Yesterday, between working and doing my not quite so last minute Christmas shopping online, I was randomly traversing the web, something I do from time to time. I simply click on one link after another, sit back and see where I might find myself. Yesterday I found myself at a site called ricebowljournals.com. As the name suggests, it’s a site that brings together Asian bloggers from all over the world. I clicked on a few of their members, read a few entries, and found some rather insightful and well written posts, and that got me to wondering.

I wonder why this blog phenomenon is so wide spread. I wonder why I myself do it. I wonder why people read other people’s journals. I wonder if people care what my thoughts or opinions are. I wonder if people feel they know me better by reading this site. I wonder if they’re right. I wonder if I know myself better from doing it. I wonder if years from now I’ll still be doing it. I wonder if years from now people will still be reading it.

Maybe everyone just has something they want to express and share with the world. Some evidence when all is said and done that we were here, right here, and we did this and thought this and this exact moment. And maybe people will always be interested in the thoughts and lives of other people, especially those they know already. We do not possess the ability to read minds, and yet we are always curious to those around us are thinking. Maybe these journals are a window into the minds of their authors. Maybe we’re all just a little voyeuristic at heart.

Will these journals, these blogs eventually be wiped from the memory of whatever servers they reside on? Or will they perpetuate on the near infinite expanse of the web beyond the mortal lives of their authors, a small piece of digital immortality encoded in zeros and ones for future web surfers to accidentally stumble upon as they random traverse the web? Perhaps that is taking things to extremes, but truth is rarely found in the middle.

Finally, I wonder why I even wrote this entry. Probably just force of habit.

:: posted by Z [9:44 AM] ::

:: Thursday, December 04, 2003 ::
Poetic Burp...
So Lan was feeling especially lazy and unwilling to studying, and she half jokingly asked me to write her a poem about studying to motivate her. Yesterday in my dazed and sleep deprived state, I complied. I'm sure a lot of students can relate so I'll post it up here for all to see. Enjoy.

- Until I Try - [12.3.03]
I sit alone and beweep my retched state
to spend eternity, my nose in books, my cursed fate
and yet each day done yeilds no relief
the time left on my term defies belief
four years of this, four long years of books and tests
at four years end, what will be left
a shadow of my former self, a nub
like a pencil worn completely down to just a stub
that thought alone is enough to arrest my heart
and keep me awake at nights staring into the dark
I sometimes question this journey I have undertaken
and wonder if it's possible that I was mistaken
can I endure this trial I have begun
or will I collapse and surrender before all is done
who can say, not you, nor I
but I guess I won't know which, until I try

:: posted by Z [9:34 AM] ::

:: Monday, December 01, 2003 ::
Thanksgiving Weekend Breakdown…
My mom pulled out all the stops on Thursday and made not only a turkey but a honey baked ham as well at the constant insistence of my sister, who came down with her fiancé from Long Beach. I, of course, made a cheesecake, the exact same kind I made for Thuy’s birthday a week ago as a matter of fact. Afterwards, a bunch of people came over and we played poker until 2am. I won, so that concluded a very good day. We also now have our first regular female player in our group, Steph. She has yet to win, but it will definitely be a momentous occasion when she does so for the first time. I improved to being tied for 2nd most all time wins and 3rd on the all time money list. Hehe.

On Friday, I went to downtown with Lan, Sam, Jann and Lan’s friend Julie, an usually tall Chinese girl from Houston who wears turtle necks to go clubbing. It must be a Texas thing I just don’t get. Even though Martini Ranch is kinda club-like, I spent the majority of the time just chilling in a booth and talking. So I’m not sure if I count that in my continuing ban of all things club-related. The night was suppose to end fairly early, but Sam’s car broke down in Eastside and I ended up having to drive her back home to Vista and drop off Jann in Escondido before getting home at 3:40 in the morning. It was almost like going to LA. *sigh* Oh well, the things I do for friends in need.

On Saturday, the game plan was to hit up Di-Chan for lunch with Lan but once again, it was closed. I’ve come to the realization that it’s just not meant to be. No Thai food for us. So I cruised over to Pho Hoa Cali, which is always opened, and met up with Lan and Julie, who once again was sporting a turtle neck in the frigid San Diego winter (insert sarcasm here). After I got home, went to the gym and worked out, I took out my contacts for the very last time EVER. Even though I hate wearing glasses, I have to do so up until the day I go in for surgery. So I’m counting down the time: 96.5 hours to go!

:: posted by Z [2:03 PM] ::

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